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Post Info TOPIC: Joke of the Day


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"One old man said to another, 'I just had another birthday. It's awful to grow old alone.'

'But you have your wife,' the second man pointed out.

'Yes, but she hasn't had a birthday in 15 years.'"     rofl.gif



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"A motorist received receipt from the police clerk for his traffic fine.

'Oh come on,' he complained. 'What am I supposed to do with this?'

'Keep it,' the clerk replied. 'When you collect four, you get a bicycle.'"  rofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gif



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"Do you believe in life after death?" the
boss asked one of his employees." Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well,
then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early
yesterday to go to your grandmothers funeral, she stopped in to see you." 

rofl.gif



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"A man and his wife were driving home from a friend's party. 'Honey, has anyone efer told you how handsome, sexy and irresistable you are to women?' she asked.

Flattered he replied, 'No, I don't recall anyone ever telling me that.'

'Then whatever gave you that idea at the party tinight?'"  rofl.gif



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"I read a book on levitation the other day. I couldn't put it down."    rofl.gifrofl.gif



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"What do you call an unemployed jester? Nobody's fool."  rofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gif



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From Jay Leno. "Barbara Walters asked Gov. Chris Christie if he was too fat to be president. A lot of people are criticizing Barbara for asking that question. But in fairness, she asked that exact same question when she interviewed William Howard Taft."  rofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gif



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From Jay Leno: "Al-Qaida ha issued a list of 22 ways that al-Qaida members can avoidbeing killed byU.S. drones.

Here's a good one: Don't join al-Qaida."  rofl.gif



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"On her wedding day, a bride walked down the aisle only to see the groom standing at the altar with his golf bag an clubs at his side.

'What are your golf clubs doing here?'shw whsipered.

'Wel,' the groom replied, 'this isn't going to take all day, is it?'"  rofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gif



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"An old man told his grandson, 'You know, back in the old days, you could go to the store with a dollar and get a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a watermelon. You can't do that today. There's just way too many surveillance cameras.'" 

  
  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  
  


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An office manager asked an applicant if she had any unusual talents. She told him that she had won several prizes in crossword puzzle and jingle-writing competitions.

'That's nice,' the manager repliked, 'but we need someone who can be smart during office hours.'

'Great!' the applicant said. 'That actually was during office hours.'"  rofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gif

 



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"On Palm Sunday, a five-year-old boy woke up ill and stayed home from church with a sitter. When his family returned, they were carrying palm fronds. Johnny asked what they were for.

'People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by.' his father explained.

'Wouldn't you know it !' Johnny fumed. 'The one Sunday I don't go and he shows up.'"  rofl.gif

 



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"A woman asked her husband, 'Could you please go out and buy a gallon of milk? And if they have avocados, get six.'

A short time later, the husband returned with six gallons of milk.

'Why did you buy so many?' his wife asked.

'They had avocados.'"  rofl.gif



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pusspuss wrote:

"A woman asked her husband, 'Could you please go out and buy a gallon of milk? And if they have avocados, get six.'

A short time later, the husband returned with six gallons of milk.

'Why did you buy so many?' his wife asked.

'They had avocados.'"  rofl.gif


 Hmm, reminds me of The Gong Show, where The Unknown Comic is bragging to Chuckkie 'bout his new job: Dope Pusher. Chuck tells him that's nothing to be proud about, whereupon T.U.C. starts shoving (pushing) Chuck around, telling Chuck, that he's a dope!! Chuck shows mock anger and calls in Gene-Gene, and they both drag T.U.C. off the stage!!

And this is for Jay Pee Morgone baring her titties!!: censored.gifcensored.gifcensored.gifcensored.gif



-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Saturday 25th of May 2013 01:14:08 PM



-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Saturday 25th of May 2013 01:15:07 PM

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"An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and began experiencing turbulence. One nervous passenger happened to be sitting next to a minister and turned to him for comfort.

'Can't you do something?' she asked.

'I'm sorry, ma'am,' he replied gently, 'but I'm in sales, not management.'"    rofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gif



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"I think my boss is trying to replace me.

He's looking for a computer that grovels."  rofl.gifrofl.gif



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pusspuss wrote:

"I think my boss is trying to replace me.

He's looking for a computer that grovels."  rofl.gifrofl.gif


 Which reminds me in Star Trek, Captain/Admiral Kirk was always trying to get the Enterprise's female-voiced computer replaced with a male one. He always found the female one, most annoying and distracting. I wonder why(Laughs!!)?? Mr. Spock would hear Jim's complaints, and raise one of his slanty eyebrows!! Bones may have preferred one with a Southern Dialect! Scotty probably wanted one that spoke Scots Gaelic, to keep him sharp, with Chekov wanting one that would display in the Cyrillic Alphabet.



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"An Irate driver went back to the garage where he had bought an expensive car battery six months ago. He said to the garage owner, 'When you sold me this battery, you told me it would be the last one my car would ever need. It's dead!'

'Yeah, sorry about that,' the owner replied. 'I didn't think your car would make it this long.'"  rofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gif



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"An old man was holding court, surrounded by his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

'Don't think of me as an old man,' he whined. 'I'm heakthy. Everything's fine. My heart is still pumping away. My liver's strong. And my mind, knock n wood...Hello? Who is it.'"   rofl.gifrofl.gif



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Another OF(old fart) joke--- An elderly man had birthday. Wife said go down to local cat house and celebrate! so he did. Up in the room getting undressed --He showing her his pink panties hers black crotchless! He "I am 90 years old today" Her " WOW you have had it!!! --- I HAVE ! How much do I owe you ???    happy.gif  



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tineetommi wrote:

Another OF(old fart) joke--- An elderly man had birthday. Wife said go down to local cat house and celebrate! so he did. Up in the room getting undressed --He showing her his pink panties hers black crotchless! He "I am 90 years old today" Her " WOW you have had it!!! --- I HAVE ! How much do I owe you ???    happy.gif  


 rofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gif



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"Two friends arranged to meet at a store in the local mall. One never showed up, so the other went home. When they got together that night, the second woman asked the first what had happened.

'It was terrible,' the first woman said. 'I was on the escalator on my way to meet you, and it suddenly stopped running. I stood there for over an hour while they fixed it.'

'You stood on the escalator for over an hour they fixed it?'the second friend asked.

'Of course. What else could I do?' 'You dummy! Why didn't you sit down?'"   rofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gif



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pusspuss wrote:

"Two friends arranged to meet at a store in the local mall. One never showed up, so the other went home. When they got together that night, the second woman asked the first what had happened.

'It was terrible,' the first woman said. 'I was on the escalator on my way to meet you, and it suddenly stopped running. I stood there for over an hour while they fixed it.'

'You stood on the escalator for over an hour they fixed it?'the second friend asked.

'Of course. What else could I do?' 'You dummy! Why didn't you sit down?'"   rofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gif


 They're both dummies!! All they need to do is just walk up and down the staircase, that an escalator is! Are they afraid that they'll fall down the elevator shaft? Most obviously, this joke neglected to mention that these two nitwits may most likely be a couple of blondes!



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Breeziestroke wrote:
pusspuss wrote:

"Two friends arranged to meet at a store in the local mall. One never showed up, so the other went home. When they got together that night, the second woman asked the first what had happened.

'It was terrible,' the first woman said. 'I was on the escalator on my way to meet you, and it suddenly stopped running. I stood there for over an hour while they fixed it.'

'You stood on the escalator for over an hour they fixed it?'the second friend asked.

'Of course. What else could I do?' 'You dummy! Why didn't you sit down?'"   rofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gif


 They're both dummies!! All they need to do is just walk up and down the staircase, that an escalator is! Are they afraid that they'll fall down the elevator shaft? Most obviously, this joke neglected to mention that these two nitwits may most likely be a couple of blondes!


 The joke writer, if he is married, is in enough trouble with his wife as it is without mentioning the obvious that they were blondes.



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"Why the turkey have to leave the supper table?

H was gobbling his food.   giggle.gifbeer.gif



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"Agressive drivers are the ones who try to get back at you after you cut them off."   rofl.gif



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pusspuss wrote:

"Agressive drivers are the ones who try to get back at you after you cut them off."   rofl.gif


 And you know, much of the time, those that cut you off--and occasionally I'm guilty of this--aren't even aware that they did just that. They're preoccupied with other stuff on their minds, when they shouldn't be, while operating a motor vehicle. So, we have to strain ourselves to be just that more patient and courteous, behind the wheel.

I just hope that Mayor "Bloomers" of NY, doesn't get it into his peabrain, to felonize the act of motorists in his hick town, of cutting each other off(Laughs!!)!!



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"A CIA employee quit to become a bishop. Now all his files are marked 'Sacred' and Top Sacred'."  rofl.gif



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pusspuss wrote:

"A CIA employee quit to become a bishop. Now all his files are marked 'Sacred' and Top Sacred'."  rofl.gif


 And the most confidential are marked, "For God's Eyes Only".



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"A group of women decide to have a picnic in a country field. Just as they sat down to eat, an angry bull appeared on the scene. Everyone ran for cover, but one unfortunate woman - wearing a red shawl - got the animal's attention.

She managed to leap over a fence just before the bull caught up with her. Trying to catch her breath, she shouted, 'You beast! I've been a vegetarian my my whole life. There's gratitude for you!''  rofl.gifrofl.gif 



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confuse MOLE jOKE; MAMA MOLE STUCK HER HEAD OUT AND SAYS ' I SMELL HONEY1' PAPA MOLE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT AND SAYS '' I SMELL MAPLE SYRUP" BABY MOLE SICKS ITS HEAD OUT AND DECLARES ALL I SMELL IS--- MOLE-ASSES !!!  blankstare



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tineetommi wrote:

confuse MOLE jOKE; MAMA MOLE STUCK HER HEAD OUT AND SAYS ' I SMELL HONEY1' PAPA MOLE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT AND SAYS '' I SMELL MAPLE SYRUP" BABY MOLE SICKS ITS HEAD OUT AND DECLARES ALL I SMELL IS--- MOLE-ASSES !!!  blankstare


 Anyone up for a round of "Whack-A-Mole"??



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tineetommi wrote:

confuse MOLE jOKE; MAMA MOLE STUCK HER HEAD OUT AND SAYS ' I SMELL HONEY1' PAPA MOLE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT AND SAYS '' I SMELL MAPLE SYRUP" BABY MOLE SICKS ITS HEAD OUT AND DECLARES ALL I SMELL IS--- MOLE-ASSES !!!  blankstare


 giggle.gif



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"The I.T. Specialist told the executive, 'We have to upgrade the company network.'

'Oh, no. We can't get rid of the computers,' the executive replied.

'Why not?' the specialist asked. 'With a new system, our operations will be faster. Why would you want to keep these out dated machines?'

The executive replied in a low voice, 'They know too much.'"    rofl.gif



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pusspuss wrote:

"The I.T. Specialist told the executive, 'We have to upgrade the company network.'

'Oh, no. We can't get rid of the computers,' the executive replied.

'Why not?' the specialist asked. 'With a new system, our operations will be faster. Why would you want to keep these out dated machines?'

The executive replied in a low voice, 'They know too much.'"    rofl.gif


 I could tell that executive, "You can just as easily take a sledgehammer to all the memory-intensive components, after a safe upload, of the company stuff, to the new machines and servers."

Other fun ways: Instead of clay pigeons, use the HDD cores, to improve your skeet shooting. Put 'em in a bucket of gasoline/petrol and torch 'em. Ask your tree guy, if he'll toss 'em into his wood chipping/mulching machine.



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"I always wanted to be someone, but I guess I should have been more specific."  rofl.gifrofl.gif



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"My cooking is so awesome that even thee smoke alarm cheers me on!"  rofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gif



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"One author was complaining to another about the neglect of his novels by the press.

'It is a complete conspiracy of silence against me, a conspiracy of silence. What should I do?'

'Join it.' the other author replied."  rofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gif

 



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"Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is a different story."

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To add to a post from long ago wih poems. Here is one I made up when a kid.

Mary had a little roll,
each section as white as snow,
and everywhere that Mary went,
that roll was sure to roll.

It followed her to school one day,
and wiped her butt so clean,
she flushed it down the toilet,
no longer to be seen!



-- Edited by dane on Tuesday 28th of March 2023 06:23:50 AM

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