Panties For Men

pusspuss · Guru

Joke of the Day

pusspuss · Guru

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The Biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" biggrin

-- Edited by pusspuss on Monday 6th of June 2011 03:05:28 PM

Breeziestroke · Guru

About that bridge, I'd want it Eight lanes, both decks, along with a full service rail right-of-way, and in honor of my late Dad, who rode Moto Guzzi motorcycles, let those, as well as Beemers, Triumphs, Nortons, Hondas, Suzukis, and Yamahas, ride that bridge, too!

Me? I'd like to be driving that bridge in any model and make of antique auto, whilst wearing my favorite pretties, with a heavy airstream blowing at my panties!!

Also be nice to be close to shipping lanes, so we could admire all the pretty cruise ships.

pusspuss · Guru

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get to to tell them a story with a motal at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were allthe regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay,that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to baul out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She saluted her plane and drank the whiskey on the way down while watching her plane crash in the distance, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of twenty Iraqi troops. She shot fifteen of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands,"

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't f**k with Mommy when she's been drinking." biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nicr youg lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite."

"What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show your good manners?"

Johnny said: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

pusspuss · Guru

Two horses were walking back to the paddock after a day of training. One horse said to the other, "I can't understand why we're so slow. We come from good stock, we have the best of food and great trainers, and yet we come in dead last in every single race."

A dog running alongside the horses overheard and said, "I know what your problem is. I've seen you two race, and it looks to me as if you take off at the start really fast. You use up all of your enegy at the beginning and have nothing left. What you should do is pace yourselves, and when the other horses have tired themselves out, put in a spurt of energy. You're sure to win. What do you think about that?"

The two horses looked at each other and exclaimed, "Wow! A talking dog!" biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

FIVE PEARLS OF IRISH WISDOM

Money cannot buy happiness, but...somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.
Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

pusspuss · Guru

"Truths for Mature Humans"

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
There is great need for a sarcasm font.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet.
Was learning cursive really necessary.
Map quest really needs to start their directions on page #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbor hood.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just to agree to ignore whatever comes after blueray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash - ever.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring. Hello? Hello? Damn it, when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and lookig good and then not seeing any one of inportance the entire day. What a waste.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Sturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Ky.
I wish Google maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it,
I would rather try to carry 10 overloaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
How may times is it appropriate to say"What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn'thear and understand a word they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year.
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're that you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedesrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicylists, thr rules of the road don/t apply to them.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and stll don't know what time it is.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Taill on the d
Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find ans push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

From Jay Leno:

Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years. The bad news is that the average a person hs to work before they can retire is now 78.3 years. biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

The teacher asked her students, "Who can tell me what the ruler of RUSSIA was called?"

"Czar," the class replied in unison.

"Correct. And what was his wife called?"

"Czarina," the class replied.

"Good! And what were his children called?"

A timid voice piped up, "Czardines?" biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

A German. Mexican, Texan and Frenchman rent a small boat to go out on a lake for the day. They notice that water is comung into the boat due to too many people in the boat. Not wanting to have to pay for the loss of the boat, they all decide that someone you jump overboard and swim back to shore. The German stands up, clicks the heels of his jack boots, yells "Heil Hitler," and jumps over board. Water still keeps coming in, so the Frenchman stands up and yells "Viva La France," and jumps overboard. Noticing that water is still coming in and that one more person out of the boat would lighten it enough so that the last person would be able to bring the boat back to shore, the seven foot tall Texan stands up and shouts, "Remeber the Alamo," and he picks up the Mexican and throws him overboard. biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

Need to sound more interesting at the next big party?

Throw this question at them: Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? (Or in Emglish, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?) biggrin

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
Need to sound more interesting at the next big party?
Throw this question at them: Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? (Or in Emglish, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?)

Here's a daffy Monty Python Moment: You're an Orthodox Catholic, at an Orthodox Catholic Mass, all in Latin. At some point of The Liturgy, Scripture Reading, or the Homily/Sermon, the Priest/Celebrant pauses, deadpan and starts reciting this silliness, this malarkey!! Then in the same deadpan, he rejoins the rest of The Service. I wonder what might happen, then??

pusspuss · Guru

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
******************************
mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
**************************
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun,
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
*************************
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb ass!!"
************************************
Humpty Dumoty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumoty had a great fall.
All the king's horses,
And all the king's men,
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
****************************
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
Then died of electric shock.
********************************
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
**********************************
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
WHEN she was good, she was very, very good.
But when sh was bad...
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car.

pusspuss · Guru

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon oe tea cup."

"No," he said, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

pusspuss · Guru

DRINKING WITH A ARIZONA COWGIRL:

A Mexican, an Arab and a Arizona cowgirl are ib the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcoholic beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The Arizona cowgirl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In Arizona we have so many illeagal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

pusspuss · Guru

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before yoy tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things

The bartender is a blonde girl.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." (The funerals tomorrow)

pusspuss · Guru

ODE TO BIRDS:

Birdie, birdie in the sky,

why do you always white wash my eye?

But, when it happens,

I don't cry.

I'm just glad

that cows can't fly!

determined68 · Veteran Member

Depends on whether your awake or asleep, and also as to medicated or natural lol

pusspuss · Guru

determined68 wrote:
Depends on whether your awake or asleep, and also as to medicated or natural lol

To what are you refering to?

-- Edited by pusspuss on Monday 4th of July 2011 05:28:49 PM

pusspuss · Guru

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised his eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."

pusspuss · Guru

Health Tip:

If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport.

You'll get a free x-ray, a breast exam and if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.

Breeziestroke · Guru

Here's an extract from an Email that a friend sent, about Senior Moments:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So I decide to put the bills back on the table & take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm.

I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye.

They need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter, and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote someone had left it on the kitchen table. . .

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs.

But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers. Quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed;

The bills aren't paid;

There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter;

The flowers don't have enough water;

There is still only 1 check in my check book;

I can't find the remote;

I can't find my glasses;

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys!

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Tuesday 5th of July 2011 05:35:19 PM

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Tuesday 5th of July 2011 05:49:22 PM

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Tuesday 5th of July 2011 05:51:23 PM

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Tuesday 5th of July 2011 05:58:31 PM

pusspuss · Guru

New Wine forSeniors: A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night's sleep.

California vinters in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

pusspuss · Guru

A young man heard that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays. So on his 21st birthday, the young man and a friend went out to the lake, "If they could do it, so can I!" he insisted.

When they arrived, they rented a boat and began paddling. In the middle of the lake, the young man stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned.

Ashamed, the young man later asked his grandmother, "Why can't I walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"

The grandmother took the young man's hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "They were all born in January, dear. You were born in July."

pusspuss · Guru

You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start.

"The Liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate." - Jay Leno

"America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask." - Jay Leno

Q: "Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?"

A: "Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it." - Conan O'Brien

Q: "What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convictd felon?"

A: "A fund raiser." - Jay Leno

Q: "What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?"

A: "One is filled with tax evaders, black mailers and threats to society. The other is for holding prisoners." - David Letterman

Q: "If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?"

A: "America!" - Jimmy Kimmel

Q: "What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?"

A: "Bo has papers." - Jimmy Kimmel

Q: "What was the most positve result of the 'Cash for Clunkers' program?"

A: "It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road." - David Letterman

pusspuss · Guru

Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

pusspuss · Guru

From Jimmy Fallon:

"The Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is Great - a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does."

pusspuss · Guru

A pastor was walking down the street when he noticed a boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. But the boy was small, and the doorbell was to high for him to reach.

After watching the boy try repeatedly, the pastor went across the street, walked up behind the boy and, placing his hand on the boy's shoulder, leaned over and gave the the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the boy's level, the pastor smiled and asked, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy replied, "Now we run!"

pusspuss · Guru

From Jan. 2000.

1999 Darwin Awards:

For those sheltered few of you who are not fullu aware of th Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those indinviduals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it.

Grand prizw Winner GRAVITY KILLS:

A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use 'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, then jumped...and hit the pavement!

Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy was scheduled for later in the week.

2nd Prize Winner DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT.

A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texaswhen a lightning storm hit the lake.Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. On the rear of his aliminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion stylr) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!"

Needless to say,God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

3rd Prize Winner CATCH

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playinr catch with a reaatlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalizaed.

4th Prizw Winner THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU

Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was agentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone...more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when hje walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

LIGHTS OUT

In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc.

After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.

Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.

Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion, The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

RUNNER UP (Didn't kill himself - but came very close)

A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with agroup of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glur"...the hard way.

Apparently, Mr Demuth wanted to demonstrate how good the adhesive was, so he put about three ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby.

However, once it became aware of itbeing involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it bagan to panic and ran around the petting area wildlymaking Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger.

"Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxitive and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall eas gored, and a number of small animals escaped.Also, during the stampeded, three pygmy goats and one ducj were stomped to death.

As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers' to remove his hands from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be captures and clamed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarreah. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our face from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranqilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't thnk he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while."

Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "i'm going to buy some for my children. but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.

pusspuss · Guru

Tiger Woods:

It was just reported thatb Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger!
Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said, "I don't know exactly...but put me doen for a five."
Tioger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now hw has a hole-in-one.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball four hundred yards.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning They went clubbing.
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydreant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and a iron.
Q: What's the difference between an Escalade and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball three hundred and fifty yards without hitting a tree.
Barack Obama is reportedly going to send an additional fighting force of thirty five thousand. But one source says Obama could change his mind and send twenty thousand troops plus Tiger Woods' wife.
What do Tiger and baby seals have in common? Norwegians beat both with club.

pusspuss · Guru

Today is birthday #66. Here is the new alphabet for seniors:

A is for apple, and B is for boat.
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now the New Alphabet

A's for arthritis; and
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is foe eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it be low,
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low,
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow.
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for x-ray. and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have -- in my mind.

I've suurvived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,

And I am keeping six doctors and a bunch of good looking nurses...fully employed!!!

Breeziestroke · Guru

Let's just concentrate on the "Zee" part. That's the only part to zero in on, as the other 25 parts try and "take you over the vale". They won't matter at all.

pusspuss · Guru

My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all of my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewelry to the charity shop. Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house."

Well, she didn't exactly put it like that.

Actually she said, "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

pusspuss · Guru

A CATHOLIC BOY'S CONFESSION:

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned, I have beenwith a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you little Joey Kelly?"
"Yes, Father, It is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well now, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa O'Donnel?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
Was it Cathy Flanigan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you'vr sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."

pusspuss · Guru

Rules for Kicking Ass.

Rules for the Non-Military:

MAKE SURE YOU READ #12

Dear Civilian, 'We know that the current state of affairs in our great Nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.

For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance.

The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem - KICK THEIR ASS!
When you witness, first hand, someone burning the American Flag in protest - KICK THEIR ASS!
Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. I you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran KICKS THEIR ASS!
If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's) or Jungle Fatigues, telling others that you used to be 'Special Forces'. Collecting GI Joe memoabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get YOUR ASS KICKED!
Nex time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ASS-KICKING (children are exempt)!
If you witness someone calling the Coast Guard 'non-military', inform them of their mistake - and KICK THEIR ASS!
Next time Old Glory (the US flag) passes by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a SEVERE ASS-KICKING!
'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore would KICK YOUR ASS!
'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines*), 'Grunt' (*Army*), 'Squid' (*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers' (*Coast Guard*), etc. are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get YOUR ASS KICKED!
Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our Country would get IT'S ASS KICKED!
It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press. It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech. It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate. It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.
If you ever see anyone singing the National Anthem in Spanish - KICK THEIR ASS!

WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE! IN GOD WE TRUST

pusspuss · Guru

JanetCD wrote:
Sorry pusspuss I don't agree with your views of Spanish speaking citizens. I know quite a few Hispanic Americans. One volunteers at a senior center where volunteers help other older adults with computer learning. He knows more about computers and software than I will ever know. Also he is a Vietnam Veteran who was a US Marine! If he chose to sing the National Antium in Spanish, that is his freedom of speach.

-- Edited by JanetCD on Sunday 24th of July 2011 02:33:40 PM

-- Edited by JanetCD on Monday 25th of July 2011 01:06:07 PM

I disagree. This is The United States of America. Our older immigrants came to our shores and learned English. It's okay to have your native language as a second language, but it should be English first. Why is it that things are only in English and spanish and not in all the other languages of the world? It is time to make English our National Language. People choose to speak only Spanish because they are to lazy to learn English since this country is willing to pander to them. If people want to speak their native language, then they should return to their country of origin. America is no longer the great country she once was because we have ceased to being a melting pot and have come to be a divided nation of seperate countries within one country. It is time to honor and believe in "The Plrdge of Alligiance". "One Nation under Gos."I too am a Viet Vet and my credo is: God, Country, family all others, and self." A country divided, which we are, will fal, which is happening. We need to be united as one and a good start is English only.

pusspuss · Guru

DO YOU MISS THIS GUY?

MORE THAN EVER!!!!

"It's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."

"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."

"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so."

"Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong."

"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."

The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."

"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."

"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program..."

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."

"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it... If it keeps moving, regulate it... And if it stops moving, subsidize it."

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book."

"N arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenal of the world, is as formidible as the will and moral courage of free men and women."

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under,"

RONALD REAGAN

pusspuss · Guru

JanetCD wrote:
pusspuss wrote:
JanetCD wrote:
Sorry pusspuss I don't agree with your views of Spanish speaking citizens. I know quite a few Hispanic Americans. One volunteers at a senior center where volunteers help other older adults with computer learning. He knows more about computers and software than I will ever know. Also he is a Vietnam Veteran who was a US Marine! If he chose to sing the National Antium in Spanish, that is his freedom of speach.

-- Edited by JanetCD on Sunday 24th of July 2011 02:33:40 PM

-- Edited by JanetCD on Monday 25th of July 2011 01:06:07 PM
I disagree. This is The United States of America. Our older immigrants came to our shores and learned English. It's okay to have your native language as a second language, but it should be English first. Why is it that things are only in English and spanish and not in all the other languages of the world? It is time to make English our National Language. People choose to speak only Spanish because they are to lazy to learn English since this country is willing to pander to them. If people want to speak their native language, then they should return to their country of origin. America is no longer the great country she once was because we have ceased to being a melting pot and have come to be a divided nation of seperate countries within one country. It is time to honor and believe in "The Plrdge of Alligiance". "One Nation under Gos."I too am a Viet Vet and my credo is: God, Country, family all others, and self." A country divided, which we are, will fal, which is happening. We need to be united as one and a good start is English only.
Well I disagree with the whole post in fact. Why should anyone be kicked in the ass for any of those statements? Isn't there enough 'kicking ass' going on in the world because someone dislikes someone elses statements, religion or etnic background. It is not even HUMOR!

-- Edited by JanetCD on Tuesday 26th of July 2011 02:46:15 PM

-- Edited by JanetCD on Tuesday 26th of July 2011 02:48:44 PM

This wasn't meant to be HUMOR. I asked to have a lot of the posts here to be placed in a different catagory, but it hasn't happened. I stand one hundred percent behind this particular post. I wear my flag on my shoulder. I have nothing but the utmost respect for the "Satr Spangled Banner" and for the Country of my birth. I took my four years of military service very seriously. I hold no malice toward you or your opinions. We have something like a hundred plus members and there are only three of us who post meaningful discussion. You, myself and Breeziestrokes. I feel like PFM is on life support. There seems to be something missing.

pusspuss · Guru

This is supposed to be true, but there is some humor init.

How to call the police when you're old and don't move fast anymore.

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"

He said, "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is abailable."

George said, "Okay."

He hing up the phone and counted to thirty. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a S.W.A.T. Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them?"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
This is supposed to be true, but there is some humor init.
How to call the police when you're old and don't move fast anymore.
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"
He said, "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."
Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is abailable."
George said, "Okay."
He hing up the phone and counted to thirty. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a S.W.A.T. Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them?"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Good ol' George really showed some ingenuity in telling the cops his whopper. That may be the only way that we can operate sanely, get the desired results,these days, in this PC world of ours. Oh, well.

I probably would have added to the dispatcher, "I also buttf-ucked the corpses, and am now serving the remains as a friccasee, to my grandkids [cannibalism]."

pusspuss · Guru

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year. And every year Bill would say, "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Blanche always replied, "I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "Blanche, I'm 75 yearys old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Blanche replied, "Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride, and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Bill replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

After finishing his examination, the doctor looked at his patient and said, "I can't find the exact cause of your trouble Mr. Smith, but it's probably due to drinking too much."

The patient looked at the doctor and replied, "Gee I'm sorry to hear that, Doc. I'll come back when your sober." biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

Father calling to his daughter as her date took a seat on the couch: "Oh, Dreamboat! Your barnacle is here!" biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

During a long lecture, a speaker suffered many interruptions from a man in the balcony who kept yelling, "Louder, Louder!"

After the fifthn interruption, a gentleman in the first row stood up, looked back and asked, "Can't you hear?"

"No, actually, I can't hear," came the answer from the balcony.

"Well, then, be thank full and shut up!"

pusspuss · Guru

If you want to hear people say "Merry Christams," why not visit a church instead of a store? biggrin

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
If you want to hear people say "Merry Christams," why not visit a church instead of a store?

That, Puss, will still work as long as the agnostic and athiest special interest groups are unsuccessful in having various Judeo-Christian houses of worship, having their tax-exempt statuses revoked or their worship activities comprehensively banned outright. Believe me, they, and their ghoulish friends of the ACLU, would like nothing better, as they consider, Judaism and Christianity to be especially dangerous to the social order, and for individuals to function successfully, as "social units", solely in service to the new god, the government. To them, it is not enough to break off the Crosses and Davidic Stars off military graves, and to get other crosses and Ten Commandments, removed and eradicated, from the Public Consciousness.

In the place of Churches, Yeshivas, Seminaries, Synagogues, Monasteries, Parochial Schools, Abbeys, Cathedrals, Convents, and Temples, they will decree that porn palaces, whorehouses, casinos, and dispenseries of Medical Psychedelics (Marijuana's only just the beginning, in the decriminalization of all currently illegal narcotics. Timothy Leary always maintained that massive LSD dosing was the best cure for psychosis!!), be erected in their places, after complete demolition. Depending on a religious person's nature of the observance of their Faith, those also will be made into Major Felonies--including made Capital Crimes of Special Circumstance--Execution.

All of these things would make the dead and defunct Madolyn Murray O'Hair so, so happy, if she were still around. She was so extreme and dangerous in her views, that she considered the Internal Possession and Excercise of Faith, not only a Major Psychosis, but an Evil Moral Lapse, that's disruptive to the orderly and "sane" function of a Society, a Civilization, and Culture. If, during a conversation with you, she happened to discover that you believed in God, she would give you a stern warning to vacate her presence immediately, or she would consider physical assault upon your person! That's how crazy, evil, and dangerous, she was!

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Tuesday 2nd of August 2011 08:19:34 PM

pusspuss · Guru

"Truths for Mature Humanss"

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
There is great need for a sarcasm font.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Map quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbor hood.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of thrday.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save aby changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
"Do nto machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this--ever.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring. Hello? Hello? Damn it, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing any one of importance the entire day. What a waste.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than with Kay.
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly I realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
I would rather try to carry ten overloaded plastic bags in each hand than take two trips to bring my groceries in.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothes and sisters.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
Is it just me or does high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?
There's no worse felling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little to far.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists, the rules of the road don't apply to them.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

pusspuss · Guru

In the days of the Berlin Wall, thete was a little old man who crossed the checkpoint every week, pushing his bicycle and carrying a heavy sack. The border guard, suspecting him of smuggling, always searched the sack thoroughly but never found anything worthwhile.

One day, after the wall came down, the guard ran into the little old man.

"Look, I just know you were smuggling something all those years, but I could never prove it," the guard said. "Tell me what it was."

The little old man chuckled, "Bicycles." biggrin

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
In the days of the Berlin Wall, thete was a little old man who crossed the checkpoint every week, pushing his bicycle and carrying a heavy sack. The border guard, suspecting him of smuggling, always searched the sack thoroughly but never found anything worthwhile.
One day, after the wall came down, the guard ran into the little old man.
"Look, I just know you were smuggling something all those years, but I could never prove it," the guard said. "Tell me what it was."
The little old man chuckled, "Bicycles."

Hmm, they had to have been bikes made in West Germany, probably stolen in West Berlin, so that he could unload them in the East Berlin Black Market, for an insane markup. To be extra safe, he keyed the paint on the seat pedestals, in precisely the same point, just in case the guard's buddies happened to be around. Why? Probably the old man was carrying panties and lingerie, in that rucksack, and both the border guard and the old man, may have been pantiephreaks, so the guard confiscated a percentage of the old man's merhandise, a combination blackmail/bribe, so he may not have pressed the matter, and, years later, the guard wanted to resume the business relationship, in a new form. Also, they may have known each other long before, when they were very young men, and they were "fairie SA" together, that miraculously escaped Hitler's and Himmler's "Night of the Long Knives" purge, by the SS. And that, my friends, that's the rest of the story!!

Puss, I love that story about the tame rhino, and the imbecile and his crazy glue. Poor, poor rhino! To have been lovingly hand-raised from a calf, and then to have that calamity happen!

I've always loved ponderous beasts--I've hung out with a tame African Elephant, a Giraffe, an Asian Water Bullalo, and an Asian Bactrian Camel, for short periods of time--and they were all very friendly with me. I'd like nothing better than to hang a bit, with Orcas, Blue Whales, Humpie Whales, Grey Whales, African Rhinocerii, Flying Fox Bats, and a beautifully maned African Tom Lion--kinda like Aslan from The Chronicles of Narnia. I wonder if those manes feel as fluffie and silky as panties?

Then there's this Alberta, Canada rancher, that has a fully domesticated full-grown Bison bull as a pet--Bailey the Buffalo--completely house-broken, who has the full run of the inside ranch house, and the man reinforced the staircases and second-storey floors, so that Bailey can go anywhere he wants. What a nice moveable sofa Bailey would make, as he and his master are watching the telly together. Get this!! The master even chopped up the interior of an old Caddie convertible, so that he can take Bailey for rides, and errands into town!! I saw a gag photo of Bailey, with his big hooves squarely "gripping" the steering wheel. He'd just about knock you down, trying to give you lickie kissies, like a dog.

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Thursday 4th of August 2011 07:20:37 PM

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Thursday 4th of August 2011 07:51:22 PM

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Thursday 4th of August 2011 07:52:36 PM

pusspuss · Guru

Q: What was the color of the ground at Custer's Last Stand?

A: White, The indians kept comining and coming. biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

I don't know if anyone hsa heard recently, but the Lone Ranger killed Tonto. He found out what "Kemosabe" means. biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

SEX AFTER DEATH:

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Ivy..Ivy.':

'Is that you Richard?'

'Yes, I've comeback like we agreed.'

'That's wonderful! What's it like?'

'Well, Iget up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'

'Oh, Richard you surely must be in Heaven!'

'Not exactly...I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona!' biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

MAN OF THE HOUSE

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen amd announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f***in' funeral director would be my first guess." biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?

A: Sheep

Q: What's the black stuff on the bottom of elephant's feet?

A: Slow natives.

pusspuss · Guru

Definitions

Mixed Emotions:

Watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new Cadillac. biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper eas killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now worth only 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, thye now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is bing investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And finally.... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

Confusious say: He who sit on tack, get point!

Confucious say: Hwho fart in church, sit in own pew!

Confucious say: Woman who fly airplane upside down, have crack up!

biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old pack mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitching rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance...never really wanted to..."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man,s feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and ****ed both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the the shotgun never waverd in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...but...I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Don't mess with old men...they didn't get old by being stupid!

pusspuss · Guru

My Dog is a.......

It just hit me! My Dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house much larger than he need, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someine else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accomodations absolutelu free. He is living like a king, an has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about akk this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,

My dog is a POLITICIAN!

pusspuss · Guru

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all of the corners of the world.

And then God made the earth round.

That God - He's such a joker. biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

There was an old man from Nantucket,
who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter named Nan,
ran away with a man.
And as for the bucket,
Nantucket.

You were expecting something else?

For shame, a bar of soap in your mouth.

pusspuss · Guru

An indian chief was leaning against a building on a busy city street corner. A beautiful young woman passes by and the chief calls out, "When." The young woman stops a short distance from the chief and thinks to herself, "Did he just say when?" She decides to go around the block and pass him again. As she is passing the chief once again, the chief says, "When." She decides to go around the block one more time and if he when once again, she is going to talk to him. Sure enough, as she passes for the third time, the chief says, "When." This time she walks up to the chief and asks him if she could ask him a question. The chief answers her that she may. She asks the chief, " I always thought that indians say how, not when. Why do you say when instead of how?" The chief replies to her question, "Me know how, me want to know when." biggrin

nylonpreferred · Member

Why are bras singular and panties plural?

pusspuss · Guru

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
"Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mother thru?"

The girl crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad...I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!?
Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic Family!"

"OK, Dad...As ye wish.
I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)...And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yachr in the Riviera."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become? says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff..a prostutute. Daddy!"
"Oh Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hugg!!!"

-- Edited by pusspuss on Thursday 18th of August 2011 07:26:38 PM

pusspuss · Guru

Subject: 2012 Tax Code:

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2012, the penis will be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12"	Luxury Tax	$3,000.00
8 -10"	Pole Tax	$2,500.00
5 - 8"	Privilege Tax	$1,500.00
3 - 5"	Nuisance Tax	$300.00

Males excedeeding 12" must file capital gains.

Anyone under 3" is eligible for an Income Credit.

**PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTESION**

pusspuss · Guru

Best Joke In 2011:

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth and Vladamir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red telephone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for five minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for thirty minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her the cost is six million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for four hours. When he is finished the devil informs him the cost is five dollars.

When Pitin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call." biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
Best Joke In 2011:
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth and Vladamir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red telephone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for five minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for thirty minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her the cost is six million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for four hours. When he is finished the devil informs him the cost is five dollars.
When Pitin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Puss; would that be "Dubya", or his Daddie? Don't worry, I got the joke!! Actually makes no difference, if it is Dubya, or his Daddie!! They're both cut of the same Rockefeller cloth.

pusspuss · Guru

Drink Tea and nourish life.
With the first sip, joy.
With the second sip, satisfaction.
With the third sip, peace.
With the fourth sip, a danish.

pusspuss · Guru

Did you hear about the ear of corn that went to a psychiatrist? It needed shuck treatment. biggrin

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
Did you hear about the ear of corn that went to a psychiatrist? It needed shuck treatment.

Now, Puss; this definitely sounds like something the Unknown Comic would say to Chuck Barris on The Gong Show, before Chuck puts his foot up U.C's. fanny, and the Big Hook pulls him off the stage!! "Next, Gene Gene, da Dancin' Machine!!"

pusspuss · Guru

Breeziestroke wrote:
pusspuss wrote:
Did you hear about the ear of corn that went to a psychiatrist? It needed shuck treatment.
Now, Puss; this definitely sounds like something the Unknown Comic would say to Chuck Barris on The Gong Show, before Chuck puts his foot up U.C's. fanny, and the Big Hook pulls him off the stage!! "Next, Gene Gene, da Dancin' Machine!!"

Ah, memories.

pusspuss · Guru

Southern Humour:

Alabama:

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the other asked.

"Henry had a strokeo' some kind. He's a couple miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer Back?" they inquired.

"A tough call<" nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

Georgia:

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everythang but my earrings."

Louisianna:

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying..."When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana..."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than the rest of the world."

Mississippi:

The youmg man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina:

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee:

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup truck on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas:

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's ehy I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"

***

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an movin' North.

CAN I HEAR A BIG 'AMEN' TO THAT!!!

pusspuss · Guru

A massive explosion occurred at a gunpowder factory. Once the mess had been cleared up, an inquiry began, and one of the survivors was called in to make a statement.

"You were at the scene," the investigator said. "What happened?"

"It's like this," the employee replied. "Ol' Charlie was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cirarette out and light it up."

"He smoked in the mixing rook?" the investigator asked in horror. "How long had he been with the company?"

"About twenty years, sir."

"Twenty years, and he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room. I'd have thought that would be the last thing he would do."

"It was, sir." biggrin biggrin biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

An old woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "I want you to paint me with a diamond necklace and earrings, emerald bravelets and a ruby pendant."

"But your not wearing any of those things," the artist replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in caseI die before my husband. I jus know he'll marry one of his little girlfriends right away, and I want her to go crazy looking for the jewelry." biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

Yours · Veteran Member

What is the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman????????

Snowballs of course.......

pusspuss · Guru

Yours wrote:
What is the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman????????

Snowballs of course.......

biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

I am grateful that I am not as judgemental as all of the self-righteous, mean-spirited people around me. biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

Breeziestroke · Guru

Yours wrote:
What is the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman????????

Snowballs of course.......

GROAN!!!! No, really; that's cute! I'd like to see a kid try that, at Campfire Time, at his/her Summer Camp! The Camp Director would call their parents first thing next morning, to come right up, and collect their misbehaving kids, posthaste--no refunds on the balance of the remaining Camp Session!!

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Friday 26th of August 2011 05:53:49 PM

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Friday 26th of August 2011 05:56:08 PM

pusspuss · Guru

I don't know what ahppened to my post of 8/27/11, so I will post it again.

The Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday evenings. Please use the back door. biggrin biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park your car in it, man. cry

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park your car in it, man.

Hey, mon, Puss-meister, ya gotta stop tokin' the whackie tabbackie!!

pusspuss · Guru

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Hoe do you drive this thing?" biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

Breeziestroke wrote:
pusspuss wrote:
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park your car in it, man.
Hey, mon, Puss-meister, ya gotta stop tokin' the whackie tabbackie!!

I haven't yet. Id CT makes medical Mary Jane legal, you better believe I will. I'll try anything to relieve my pain.

pusspuss · Guru

A young man went to audition for a TV talent show.

"What do you do?" the shows producer asked him.

"I imitate birds," the yping amn replied.

"Bird imitators are a dime a dozen. We can't use you. Get out of here!"

"OK," the dissappointed young man said. He then flapped his arms and flew out the window. smile

Note: I remember this particular joke being on 'M*A*S*H. The difference being teh young man flew around the room with the punch line being, "Is that all you do is bird imitations."

pretty pink panties · Veteran Member

An 80 yr Old lady was marrying for the 4th time. Newspaper asked if she would mind talking about her husband’s & what they did for a living. She smiled & said "My 1st husband was a Banker, then I married a Circus Ringmaster. Next was a Preacher & now in my 80's, a Funeral Director. When asked why the 4 Men had such diverse careers. She explained, "I married 1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready & 4 to go…

pusspuss · Guru

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. she told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"

The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box...gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale...Bob has been missing since Friday! biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. she told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"
The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box...gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale...Bob has been missing since Friday!

I wonder if the wife whacked Bob, or if he ran away and changed his identity?

pusspuss · Guru

Bob was later found in the basement of his home tied up and gagged with panties. He was also wearing panties and a bra. He was bent over a table with an extremely bright red a*ss. biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

From Jay Leno:

"According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won't get there for a long time." biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

Q: What do you call an Italian from Pittsburgh who eats hamburgers?

A: A Pittsaburger biggrin biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

Stephen Colbert:

"In Jackson County, W.Va., machines have actually changed votes, which would explain why candidate Error 404 Page Not Found is headed to the House of Representatives." biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

The local weatherman was wrong so often that his predictions had become a standing joke, much to the sensative forecaster's annoyance.

Finally, in despair of ever living down his reputation, he asked his company for a transfer.

"Why do you want a transfer?" his boss asked.

"Well," the weatherman replied, "the climate doesn't agree with me." biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

A couple of aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, "You're next!"

They stopped after I started doing the same to them at funerals. biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

The Blind Bunny:

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy nose.

"Oh, please excuse me," said the bunny, "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," repled the snake. "To be sure , it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake fekt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls...You must be*

*a****POLITICIAN**** biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
The Blind Bunny:
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy nose.
"Oh, please excuse me," said the bunny, "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," repled the snake. "To be sure , it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake fekt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"
The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls...You must be*
*a****POLITICIAN****

Drat, Puss; I thought this was to be a variation on the fable of the Scorpion and the Frog. I guess it still is; except the scorpion was also like a politician, too.

pusspuss · Guru

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it then follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? biggrin biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but he has to do it while you're eating dinner. biggrin biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

Language Terms:

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltaion of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not - a Congress! biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
Language Terms:
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltaion of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not - a Congress!

Given the sorry state of politics in the UK, a Parliament, would work just as well as a Congress. Why not change the collective term for an Owl group, to a Counsel, a Council, or, a Quorum, of Owls? That would work a whole lot better. Yet, with my knowledge of Owls, they are mostly solitary birds.