Panties For Men

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to  start a campfire?

In an English town,a company of amateur performers put on a production of "Hamlet." The local newspaper had  this to say about the play the next day: "Last night, many of our residents gathered at the town hall to witness a staging of "Hamlet." There has been much discussion over the years as to who wrote the play: Shakespeare, or Bacon? All doubts can now be put to rest. Open both their graves. Whoever turned over last night is the author."

"When I was a kid," the old man saisd, "my mother could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, six oranges, two loaves of bread, a magazine and a pair of blue jeans, all for a dollar!" He continued, "You can't do that anymore. They've got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."

A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept saying no, but he bought one anyway.

"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"Being a good sport, she accepted.

When her husband went to the dock for the boats maiden voyage, he saw painted on the side, "For Sale."  

From the TV Show Maude:

"My uncle is a magician."

"Every time a beautiful woman got into his car, he turned into a motel."

Breeziestroke wrote:

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pusspuss wrote:

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A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept saying no, but he bought one anyway.

"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"Being a good sport, she accepted.

When her husband went to the dock for the boats maiden voyage, he saw painted on the side, "For Sale."  

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 This one sounds like it could have been some of the late Henny Youngman's material.

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 I remeber him in Mel Brooks "History of the World, Part One". He played a chemist (pharmacist) standing outside his store. The Captain of the Roman guard says, "I'm looking for a pack of Trojans." Meaning the persons. Hebby replies, with the snap of his finger, "I just ran out." This may have been put in by Henny, as Mel Brooks allows for improv in his movies. I have the greatest respect for Mel Brooks. I could sit for a millenium and never come up with scrpts he comes up with. I also have the same respect for the late great Benny Hill, another master of comedy.

From Jay Leno:

"I spent President's Day acting like a president, I took someone else's money and spent it on something I don't need."

A Large company conducted a series of training  and safety seminars for it's employees.

"Does anyone know the speed limit in our paeking lot?" the safety officer asked the crowd of employees,

A long silence followed, then one of them spoke up. "That depends," a woman said. "Do you mean coming to work or leaving?"

A little girl got into a fight with her friend at Sunday School. The teacher reprimanded her, and saaid, "It was Satan who suggested to you that you pull your friends hair."

"Maybe," the girl replied. "But kicking her in the shins was entirely my idea." 

From Conan O'Brien:

"According to a recent survey, kids are recieving an average of forty cents less from the tooth fairy. That's rigth, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch."

pusspuss wrote:

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"No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery."

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 Now, I wonder what Chuck Yeager would have to say to that?!

A man drove his car into a ditch on a quiet country lane. Fortunately, a farmer passed by with a horse.

"Could your horse pull my car out of the ditch?" the driver asked.

"Buddy's a big, strong,horse," the farmer replied. "We'll see what he can do."

The farme hitched Buddy up to the car and said, "Pull Samson, pull!"

Buddy didn't move an inch.

The farmer said, "Pull Troy, pull!"

Again, Buddy didn't move an inch.

Finally, the farmer yelled, "Pull Buddy, pull!" And the horse effortlessly pulled the man's car out of the ditch.

The driver was grateful, but mystified. "Why did you keep calling your horse by the wrong name?"

"Well you see," the farmer replied, "Buddy is blind, lazy and a bit stupid. If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

Nanacy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry., I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012."

"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Harry.

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador Retriever. Then we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Ennis, Montana.

With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar. Thje Bartender Wally took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid andd Nancy Pelosi?" "Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old farmer came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up it's tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted up it's tail, looked underneath, Scratched his head and left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads. Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is this some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two a*ssholes!"

A aldy goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest asked.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

 There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, "Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!"

"The nightly news always begins with 'Good evening,' and proceeds to tell you why it isn't." 

"Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he or she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake." 

"What was the best thing before sliced bread?"

From Conan O'Brien:

"According to a recent report, due to the recession, Americans are eating cheap, unhealthy, fatty foods. So apparently, the recession started in 1957."

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse, as the union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contracts' sick=leave provisions.

One morning, at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft that day's newspaper. "Believe it or not, this man called in sick yesterday!" he announced.

There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he would have had if he hadn't been sick!"

There are four men in a boat. A Frencman, German, Mexican and a Texan.  The boat is taking on water so they decide that one of them has to jump overboard and swim to shore. The German stands up and shouts, "Deutchland Umber allis," and jumps overboard. The boat is still taking on water, so the Frenchman stands up and shouts, "Viva Le France,"and jumps overboard. Unfortunately, the boat is still taking on water. Not wanting to lose the boat, only one person has to remain to bring the boat back to the dock. So next, the 6'7" Texan stands up, picks up the 4' Mexican, and shouts, "Remember the Alamo," and throws the Mexican overboeard.

"Christmas is a holiday during which neither the past nor the future is of as much inerest as the present."

Purina Dog Chow Diet:

"Yesterday I was buying two large bags of Purina Dog Chow at Walmart for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dof. What did she think, that I had an elephant? Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Dog Chow Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost fifty pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggents and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no' I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

Walmart won't let me shop there anymore."

The Cowboy:

St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his node ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the s*hit out of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago..."

The New 2012 Ford:

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women, which should be far less susceptible to theft.

They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, calling it the "Clitaurus.:

The average male thief won't be able to find it, let alone operate the damn thing.

The Husband Store:

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go tochoose a husband.Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit te building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floo, where the signn reads:

Floor 2 - These have jobs and love kids.

'That's nice,'  she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 5 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solelyas proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for stopping at the husband store.

Please Note:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

pusspuss wrote:

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"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing."

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One had best wear steeltoe boots while doing this; some Tower cases are pretty tough. Also there's the glass shards of the picture screens of old CRT-style Monitors.

 Another way to beat a malfunctioning computer is marksmanship--the higher the calibre the weapons, the better!! For that matter, the practice of any combat skills a military man or woman may possess, directly upon that malfunctioning computer.

As a downhill skier, another way to get even, is to stuff the malfunctioning Towers and Monitors, into your knapsacks. Then, while you're riding a chair lift, gondola, or aerial tram that makes a 100+ Foot pass over some rocky crags, toss the offending components down on the crags and trip on how they shatter!!

A tourist in Vienna was walking through a graveyard when he suddenly heard music coming from a grave. The headstone read, "Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827." Then the tourist recognized the music as the 9th Symphony played backward.

Puzzled, the man left the graveyard and persuaded a friend to return with him. By the time they got back to the grave, the music had changed to the 7th Symphony. It, too, played backward.

The friends agreed to consult a music scholar. When the three men went back to the grave, they heard the 5th Symphony playing backward. The scholar noted that the order of the songs itself was backward, going by when they were written.

By the next day, a throng had gathered arounf the grave, listening to a backward 2nd Symphony. Just then, the graveyard's caretaker ambled up to the group. "It's nothing to worry about," he declared. "He's just decomposing."

pusspuss wrote:

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A nephew gushed to his uncle after the holidays, "Thanks for the electric guitar. It's the best present I've ever received."

"Can you play it yet?" his uncle asked.

"Oh, I don't play it," the boy replied. "Mom gives me a dollar a day noot to play it in the afternoon, and dad gives me $5 a week not to play it at night."

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 Oh, bummer man!! Especially if the guitar's a Gibson SG or a Fender Stratocaster; with a Laney Head of at least 100 Watts; a coupla Laney Cabs; and, a Rangemaster 50 Watt Pre-Amp.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

each had a buck and a quarter.

Jill came down wiyh two and a half,

They weren't after water.

HOLIDAY QUIZ:

1. Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?

A: Because it soots him. 

#2: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark?

A: Frost Bite.  

#4: What did General Patton do on Thanksgiving?

A: He gave tanks. 

#6: What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney?  

A: Santaclaustrophobia.  

• We is friends.
• Me and you is friends.
• You smile, I smile.
• You hurt, I hurt.
• You cry, I cry.
• You jump off a bridge,
• I gonna miss your e-mails.
• 

pusspuss wrote:

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Moses to God while receiving the Ten Cammandments, "Now let me get this straight, the Arabs get the oil, and we have to cut off the ends of our what?" 

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 I believe that circumcision, the ritual of performing a bris, may have gone back to the time of the Patriarch Abraham, or before.

One pig talking to another pig, "Personally, I wish the whole world were Jewish."

"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity." 

Neighborhood Christian Center of the Assemblies of God.

Good King Wenceslas phoned for a pizza.

The salesgirl asked him, "Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"

Woman's Poem:

• Before I lay me down to sleep,
• I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
• One who's handsome, smart, and strong,
• One who loves to listen long.
• One who thinks before he speaks,
• One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
• I pray he's gainfully employed.
• When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
• Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
• Massages my back and begs to do more.
• Oh, send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
• Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
• I pray that this man will love me to the end,
• And always be my very best friend.

Man's Poem:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s*hit. 

Making It Stiff:

WARNING:

This contains Adult Material. Read It, Delete It, But don't give me any crap about it!

• 
  To make it stand,
• You wet it!
• To make it wet,
• You suck it!
• To make it stiff,
• You lick it!
• To get it in,
  
• You push it!

Damn!!!

Threading a needle when you're AN OLD Fart is a bitch.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's relentless gallop as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

#2: "Mushroom" - "When all my family gets in the car, there's not mushroom." 

#4: "Texas" "My fren always Texas when I'm not home, wondering where I'm at!"

#5: "Herpes" "Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes." 

#7: "Rectum" "I had two cars, but my wife rectum!" 

#9: "Wheelchair" "We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair." 

#11: "Harassment" "My wife caught me in bed with another woman and I told her 'Honey, harassment nothing to me.'"