Panties For Men

The last in this series.

#14: "Budweiser" "That woman over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?" 

pusspuss wrote:

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Q: How do you make a hormone?

 

 

A: Don't pay her.

-- Edited by pusspuss on Monday 5th of December 2011 01:38:26 PM

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 The hormone; but her pimp's literally out gunnin' fer ya!!

A traveling saleman's car breaks down in front of a farm in the worse weather possible. It is raining and cold. The salesman sees lights on in the farmhouse and goes to the front door to ask for help. He knocks on the door and the farmer answers. The salesman explains that his car broke down and could he use the phone to call for help. The farmer tells him, the weather is awful out, why don't you spend the night with us and tomorrow will look at your car and see what can be done. He tells the man that there is only one thing though, he would have to sleep with his young son(you were expecting the farmers daughter?). The salesman says okay. The salesman goes to the little boys room and starts to get into bed. The little boy gets out of bed and kneels down on the side of the bed. The salesman sees this and thinks to himself, I better get on my knees and look as if I am praying, so I don't set a bad example to the boy. The little boy looks at the salesman and says, "My mommies going to be mad at you, the pot is on this side of the bed.

A man and his little girl were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a lady in front turned around, slapped him, and left in a huff. The little girl remarked, "I didn't like her either, Daddy. She stepped on my toe, so I pinched her."

-- Edited by pusspuss on Friday 9th of December 2011 05:51:44 PM

A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyers convention. As he prepared to take a group photo, he shouted, "Everyone say 'Fees!'"

Breeziestroke wrote:

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pusspuss wrote:

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A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyers convention. As he prepared to take a group photo, he shouted, "Everyone say 'Fees!'"

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 And, Puss; chances are, the Photog instead, was charged--for "allowing" his life to be "enriched", by snapping pix--by each and every one of those individual shysters! A lawyer's raison de etre, is to bring Hell upon everyone that she/he can, for as long as he/she lives. Those ghouls have no souls nor consciences. With your checkbooks and-or credit cards being upon your person, those are your only protections from those bastards visiting even greater Hells upon you, Tenfold or more!! Just hope and pray that you get no closer, than 50 Yards away from those monsters.

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 I worked for a law firm after college. They came in handy on a few occassions that I needed help.

A grandmother mouse took her grandchildren for a walk, and they spotted a cat coming toward them. The mice hid in some tall grass and waited anxiously. The cat didn't see them but started moving toward their hiding place.

"Woof! Woof! Woof!" the grandmother mouse cried loudly. The cat thought a dog was approaching and scampered away.

"And that, children," The grandmother mouse said, "is why it's always habndy to speak a second language." 

A Catholic Nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.

Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 foe doing that, you stupid Catholic b*itch."

She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers,"you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel f**ker."

An amateur artist was painting a sunset red with blue streaks and green dots. An old rustic watched at a respectful distance.

"Ah," said the artist, looking up suddenly, "perhaps to you too, nature has opened her sky picture page by page! Have you seen the lambent flame of dawn leaping across the livid east? The red stained sulphurous islets floating in the lake of fire in the west? The ragged clouds at midnight, black as a raven's wing, blotting out the shuddering moon?"

"No," the rustic replied, "Not since I gave up the moonshine." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This actually happened with some guys from Maine. They dressed the truck up with the guy dummy spread eagle on the roof of the truck.   The driver and passengers put on Moose Heads.   Down the Maine interstate they went causing about 16 accidents.   They went to jail. (some cops have no sense of humor)

pusspuss wrote:

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From David Letterman:

"All the world leaders at the United Nations agree on one thing: Superman has got to do more."

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 But the current generation of DC Comics "artist" nitwits have changed ol' Kal-El (Superman/Clark Kent) into a long-haired hippie! One sure way to get him, now, is to put Kryptonite dust into the marijuana or hashish that he now smokes with Jimmy and Lois.

Just Fred:

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what? the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man replies.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him he used to have a last name but lost itThe officer thinks that he has anut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studided hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while  got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored with dentistry, so I started fooling around with mu assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so thye took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing. 

-- Edited by pusspuss on Friday 23rd of December 2011 08:20:11 PM

pusspuss wrote:

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Q: Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?

 

A: Because he only comes once a year.

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 GROAN!!!! Oh, well. If JCD doesn't like 'em, I've gotta admire from where you get these jokes, Puss. It's almost as if you craft 'em yourself. The Merriest Christmas yet, and the most Fortuitous New Year yet, not only to you, Puss, but everyone else, at  PFM.

No Joke today. My only wish is that all of you had a blessed Christmas.

It's funny how all the people who hate the rich buy lottery tickets. 

From Jay Leno: "The stock market skyrocketed today. See what happens when the banks and the federal government shut down for a day." 

HAPPY

NEW

YEAR !!!

Breeziestroke wrote:

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pusspuss wrote:

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HAPPY

NEW

YEAR !!!

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 Puss, ya better not leave those panties on the rack, sitting out in the open. Someone's bound to nick 'em . . . like me(Laughs!!)!! Then it would be a very sad New Year.

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 You'll have to get past my attack cat.

pusspuss wrote:

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Breeziestroke wrote:

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pusspuss wrote:

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HAPPY

NEW

YEAR !!!

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 Puss, ya better not leave those panties on the rack, sitting out in the open. Someone's bound to nick 'em . . . like me(Laughs!!)!! Then it would be a very sad New Year.

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 You'll have to get past my attack cat.

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 Puss, on second thought, with your kitty looking bigger'n Narnia's Aslan, I think that I'll pass. Even if I escape the kitty, the kitty will transform once fine panties into rags with those claws!

This is how Mrs. Slocombe from the Brit Telly Sitcom, Are You Being Served?, would put it, "I don't want to mess with your p-ussie, if I can help it, and I'm unanimous in that!"

DEER CAMP:

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for years. Two days before the group is to leave, Larry's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Larry's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Larry sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you beenm here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've ben here since yesterday.

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hand over my eyes and said, 'guess who?'

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over,

On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, 'Do what ever you want.'

So, here I am." 

A taxi driver and a minister arrived in heaven at the same time. The taxi driver was led to a palatial suite, and the minister was given a small room.

"I don't get it," the minister said. "All he did was drive a cab. I was in the ministry for decades."

"Up here, we go by results," St. Peter said.

"While you preached people slept. While he drove, people prayed."

LONDON LAWYER   Vs  GLASGOW COP   

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye  didnae  come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye  still didnae come to a complete stop.  License and Registration, Please.”

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law,  License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says,"If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.."

Glasgow cop says,  "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. 

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the s**t out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop or just slow doon?"   

Jennifer, a manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes, she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them one question. Their answer determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conforence room table, Jennifer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning."

"That's very good!" replied Jennifer. "And, now you sir?" she asked the second man.

"Hmmm...let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened...A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said Jennifer. "Thr blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed." She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall theres a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasteure the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," she said.

Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Louie replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"What?" said Jennifer,stunned by the response.

"Oh sure," said Louie. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I had already #%$& my pants."

Louie is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you! 

Breeziestroke wrote:

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pusspuss wrote:

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Jennifer, a manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes, she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them one question. Their answer determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conforence room table, Jennifer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning."

"That's very good!" replied Jennifer. "And, now you sir?" she asked the second man.

"Hmmm...let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened...A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said Jennifer. "Thr blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed." She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall theres a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasteure the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," she said.

Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Louie replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"What?" said Jennifer,stunned by the response.

"Oh sure," said Louie. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I had already #%$& my pants."

Louie is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you! 

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 Then Heaven fofend that I should need Louie as "my" WalMart greeter! I don't need a greeter ennywhoo; and probably the rest of you probably don't either. We'd all make a beeline straight to the Lingerie Section, knowing exactly what we want!! Yet, WalMart's probably not chi-chi enough for me (Such a snob, Breezie[Laughs!!]).

P.S.: Puss, ya better check your avatar, to make sure that I didn't get past your attack p-ussie, to nick a pair o' your nice panties(Laughs!!). Are they all still there??

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Saturday 14th of January 2012 08:59:20 AMt

Not until tomorrow night when it is time to wash the dainties again. By the way, I was a greeter at Walmart. We took our job very seriously. We were more theft deterents that good-bye sayers.

 

President  Obama goes to an Indian reservation to make a speech and to take a close look at the cattle and buffalo that they are raising. The chief introduces him to the rest of the tribe. The President starts his speech  by saying how honored he feels to speak with our original habitants.

From the crowd rises the roar BULAH! The President is starting to get inspired. He mentions how he is going to see that the indians get more money from the government.

Again the shout of BULAH! The President, feeling the rush of the crowd, really gets going.

He promises the indians free health care. Again the shout of BULAH!

He goes on to say more things and each tme he speaks, the cry of BULAH is heard. 

When the Preident is finished with his speech, he says to the chief, "Let us now go out into the field and look at your herds of cattle and buffalo." The chief replies, "Yes, let us go, but be very careful to not step in the BULAH!" 

I have no problem eating hot spicy foods. I just eat a half gallon of ice cream, and about an hour later when I sit on the toilet, I just shout, "COME ON ICE CREAM!' 

 

   

 

This is cute. 

 

Three elderly were discussing the travails of getting old.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayooaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember if I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."

The second old lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't rmember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third old lady responded, "Well, I'm certainly glad that I don't have that problem, knock on wood." Shethen rapped her knuckles on top of th table and said, "Oh, that must be the door. I'll go get it." 

One of the great mysteries in life is how the idiot who married your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchildren in the world.

A teacher said to her class, "Because it's President's Day, children, I'd like you to make a list of nine great Americans, Billy what's wrong?"

"I've got eight, teacher," Billy replied, "but I can't come up with a shortstop."

"I remember my wedding day very distinctly," the elderly man said. "I carried my new bride across the threshold of our house and said, 'Honey, this is our little world.'"

"And I suppose you lived happily ever after?"

"We've been fighting for the world chapionship ever since."

A customer angrily accosted a pet-store owner.
"I am returning this parrot you sold me last week. He absolutely refuses to talk. Can he talk?"
"Well, sure he can," the store owner replied.
"Then why won;t he?"
"He grew up in a tough neighborhood. He won't say anything without a lawyer present."

From Jimmy Kimmel:
"The government took action and introduced a bill to classify pizza as a vegetable in schools.
Mark this down - Nov. 17, 2011: the day America gave up.
I guess they figure, 'Our approval rating is 7 percent. What the heck, let's go down to 2 percent.'"

A young man fell in love with a young woman. One afternoon, she hinted that her birthday was the next day. The young man declared that he'd send her a bouquet of roses, one for each year of her life. That night, he called and requested the delivery of twenty roses. As the florist filled the order, she decided to reward one of her best customers by adding ten more for good measure. 

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY:

• 8:00 A.M. Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
• 9:30 A.M. Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
• 9:40 A.M. Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
• 10:30 A.M. Oh Boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
• 11:30 A.M. Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
• 12:00 Noon Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
• 1:00 P.M. Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
• 4:00 P.M. Oh Boy! To the park! My favorite!
• 5:00 P.M. Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
• 5:30 P.M. Oh Boy! Pretty flowers! My favorite!
• 6:00 P.M. Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
• 6:30 P.M. Oh Boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
• 8:30 P.M. Oh Boy! Sleeping in my master's bed! My favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY:

• Day 183 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with biazrra little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
• Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
• Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs.
• In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.
• Decapitated a mouse and brought them them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
• There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
• I am convinced the other captives are flunkis and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to retrurn. He is obviuosly a half-wit.The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.......  

The teacher had to leave the room.

If the Mississippi River is the "Mother of All Waters," is the father the Mr. Sippi?

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.

Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View
restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Murphy,
the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

 10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where
to meet for dinner.

Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the
beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good,
there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where
to meet for dinner.

Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the
cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late
enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids.

 10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where
to meet for dinner.

Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the
martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where
to meet for dinner.

Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the
prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had
windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes), and fish is good for
cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where
to meet for dinner.

Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the
lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where
to meet for dinner.

Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the
food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where
to meet for dinner.

Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they
had never been there before.

 

You know the economy's in a slump when even the wages of sin are frozen.  

Two men were having a conversation about cooking. "I got a cookbook a few years ago," one said, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Were the recipes too hard?" his friend asked.

"You better believe it. Every one of them started the same way: 'Take a clean dish.' "

What Causes  The Most Accidents In the USA ???
   

Not mobile  phones....
 Not the  radio.........
 Not the GPS  monitor......
 Not  talking.............
 Not  texting..............
 Not  watching a car video.....
 Not  changing a CD.......
 The most  frequent causes of accidents 
 in the USA  are:
     
       
    
 Yep  !....
 You  guessed it !....
 Inappropriate  footwear !...
    
      
     
  

A lawyer was speaking to his client about the potential foe a lawsuit.

"Sir," the lawyer said, "You have the best case I've ever heard." At that, the man thanked him and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?' the lawyer asked, astonished.

"I'm going to settle this out of court," the man replied.

"Why?  I told you that you have the best case I've ever heard."

"It probably is, but not for me. I was telling you the other guy's story." 

Three boy scouts told their Scoutmaster that they had done their good deed for the day.

"What did you do boys?" he asked.

"We helped an old lady cross the street," they said in unison.

The soutmaster was mystified. "It took all three of you to do that?"

"Yes," one boy piped up. "She didn't want to go."