Panties For Men

pusspuss · Guru

RE: Joke of the Day

pusspuss · Guru

Two Kinds of People

There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

pusspuss · Guru

"My son used to be late to school every day," said the father of a teenage boy to his friend. "I bought him a used car, and that solved the problem."

"How did buying him a car solve the problem?" the second father asked.

"Now he gets to school early to find a parking spot."

pusspuss · Guru

"Iknow a guy who's so greedy he has eight deadly sins. He had one custom made."

pusspuss · Guru

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

panty john · Guru

A man walks into the Dr's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his right ear, and a bananna is his left ear, and asks the doc what wrong with me doc? the doc says well I dont think your eating right hahahahahahahahahahaha! biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

A little boy and a girl were talking on the school playground.

"My dad's an accountant," the boy bragged.

"What does your dad do?"

"Actually, he's a really important politician," the girl replied.

"Honest?" the impressed boy asked.

"Ididn't say that."

pusspuss · Guru

"People are always available for work in the past tense."

pusspuss · Guru

A private stod before the unit's commanding officer for a recent offense.

"It's your choice, private," the officer said. "One month's restriction or 20 days' pay."

"I'll take the money, sir."

pusspuss · Guru

A young couple had been dating off and on for years, and the man finally proposed.

"I knew this would happen," the woman said to herself. "what do I do now?"

"Well, will you marry me?" he repeated.

"I'm sorry," she answered, "but I just can't."

"Why? Is there someone else?"

"Oh, there's just got to be!" biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

A literature professsor dreaded his Tuesday class, which was filled with some of the densest students he'd ever encountered. One morning, he spent a painful hour explianing figures of speech. When he asked if anyone had questions, there was a long silence before a young man in the back raised his hand.

"Could you put it in a nutshell for me?" he asked.

Feeling frustration rising in him, the professor retorted, "Just get it into your brain. Then it'll be in a nutshell."

pusspuss · Guru

OBAMA

pusspuss · Guru

From David Letterman:

"Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed giant cans of soda. When you outlaw stuff, it creates crime.

I saw a guy today walking down the street, and a cop is arresting him because he's got a huge can of soda, and he said,'No, no, this is medicinal Moutain Dew.'"

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
OBAMA

That's no joke; along with all the imbeciles who will vote for him, this man makes me weep.

Yet, if he loses, I can just about guarandamntee you, there may be full-blown riots in Oakland, California, for starters. And they will never listen to potential President-Elect Romney's appeals for peace. I would wonder what tricks the lameduck Obama might then try?? Suspend any and all Constitutional Processes, by "Executive Directives", including the Election Results, even if those are Certifiable??

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Wednesday 12th of September 2012 08:37:19 PM

pusspuss · Guru

A woman deided to host a white elephnat party.

Everyone was to bring something they could not use but which was too good to throw away. The party would have been a great success except that 11 of the 19 women brought their husbands.

pusspuss · Guru

A college student noticed that her elderly professor kept three pairs of glasses with him, soone day after class, she asked him why.

"Oh, yes, that," he replied.I have one pair for long sight,one pair for short sight, and the last pair to look for the other two."

pusspuss · Guru

A stage manager told the leading actor of a poorly reviewed new plat, "After tonight, I'm going to have you killed in Act I instead of Act III."

"Why?" asked the villain, shocked.

"Because I don't want to take the chance of the audience doing it."

pusspuss · Guru

An accountant was having difficulty sleeping, so he went to the doctor.

"Well, have you tried counting shee[?" the doctor asked.

"That's just the problem," the accountant replied.

"I make a mistake counting and spend the next six hours trying to find it."

pusspuss · Guru

A famous comedian was dining at an upsclae restaurant when he suddenly motioned for his waiter to come over.

"I say," he commented, "there's a bug in my soup and it's drowning."

The head waiter was called over immediately.

"Is there anything I can do to make this horrible occurrence right with you, sir?"

"Sure," the comedian said, smiling. "The next time you put a big in my soup, either teach it to swim first or strap a life preserver on it's back."

pusspuss · Guru

AN ELECTION MESSAGE An election Message from PRESIDENT OBAMA نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدااگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي داننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نو>اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيس رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خير< /B> ه ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ن نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر If I hear more, I'll let you know.

pusspuss · Guru

"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer."

pusspuss · Guru

A man told his friend, "Hey. that's a nice trumpet you've got there."

"I borrowed it from my neighbor," the friend replied.

"I dind't know you could play the trumpet." the man added thoughtfully.

"I cant," his friend said smiling, "and now my neighbor can't either."

pusspuss · Guru

A woman catching up with friends described a robbery scare she'd had the night before.

"I heard a noise," she explained, "and when I got up, I saw a man's legs sticking out from under the bed!"

"Goodness!" one of her friends exclaimed. "The robber?"

"No, my husband. He heard the noise, too."

pusspuss · Guru

From Jay Leno:

"A new study published by the 'British Medical Journal' found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scares the hell out of Congress."

pusspuss · Guru

A man told his friend. "Hey, that's a nice trumpet you've got there."

"I borrowed it from my neighbor," the friend replied.

"I didn't know you could play the trumpet," the man added thoughtfully.

I can't," his friend said, smiling, "and now my neighbor can't either."

pusspuss · Guru

"Middle age is when the broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places."

pusspuss · Guru

"Art Linkletter was right!

Last night on a plane back home from Dallas to Tyler, I was sitting with a friend I've known for many years, talking about church and a whole lot of political things. Being a US Congressman, Louie visits a lot of different churches in the area throughout the year and he told me of what happened in a local church on this past Easter that made me roll with laughter, to the point of tears.

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.

He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Tommy Wilson, please tell us what the resurrection is".

Tommy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice won't be!"

pusspuss · Guru

I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!! They are questioning howmany dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?" I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHOM DID I MISS?

pusspuss · Guru

"Tired of waiting in the back of the line to get on Noah's Ark, a flea jumps from one animal to another as she moves closer to the front. She leaps and leaps until she lands on the back of an elephant. The pachyderm turns to its mate and says testily, 'I knew it! here they go with the pushing and shoving!'"

pusspuss · Guru

I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!! They are questioning howmany dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?" I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHOM DID I MISS?

pusspuss · Guru

"If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?"

pusspuss · Guru

"A man known as the 'Human Cannonball' told the circus owner that he was too old to be shot across arenas and had decided to retire.

'You can't!' the owner cried. 'Where am I going to find a man of your caliber?'"

pusspuss · Guru

"To err is human. To blame it on somebody else shows management potential."

pusspuss · Guru

"A farmer in need of help during harvest time asked the village idiot if he'd pitch in.

'What you pay?' the man asked.

'What you're worth,' the farmer replied.

The man thought for a few seconds, then said decisively, 'I'd be an idiot to work for that.'"

-- Edited by pusspuss on Sunday 4th of November 2012 11:25:46 PM

pusspuss · Guru

"Two barbershops, located across the street from each other, were constantly competing for customers. One day, a sign went up in the window in one of the shops: 'Haircuts now $4.' An hour later, the other shop put up a larger sign: 'We repair $4 haircuts.'"

pusspuss · Guru

"A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor for his annual physical. While her husband dresseed, the doctor went out to the waiting room to chat with her.

'I don't like the way your husband looks,' he said softlt.

'Neither do I,' she replied. 'But he's handy to have around the house.'"

panty john · Guru

A Mans house catches fire, he runs outside and calls the fire dept. on his cell phone, "hello this is the fire dept what is your emergancy?" My house is on FIRE you gotta come put it out, HURRY!, " OK how do we get there?", Well dont you have that big red truck anymore?

panty john · Guru

I Have a way to get all the Illegal alliens back to mexico, We just go to all the Home Depots and pick em up and say we a job for them we take 'em to the boarder give 'em all the bricks and mortar they need to build the Great Wall o America, and tell them when they are done make sure they are the other side.

pusspuss · Guru

panty john wrote:
A Mans house catches fire, he runs outside and calls the fire dept. on his cell phone, "hello this is the fire dept what is your emergancy?" My house is on FIRE you gotta come put it out, HURRY!, " OK how do we get there?", Well dont you have that big red truck anymore?

Good, this is what I was hoping for. Others here on PFM contribute their jokes and funny items. Keep it going.

pusspuss · Guru

"A man walks into his boss's office and says, 'Sir, I know the economy isn't great, but I have three compnaies after me. and I'd like to respectfully ask for a raise.'

After a few minutes of haggling, the boss agreed to a 5 percent raisew, and the man got up to leave.

'By the way,' the boss asked, 'which three companies are after you?'

'The electric company, the water company and the phone company.'"

Breeziestroke · Guru

panty john wrote:
Why is it that if you a package on ship and send it across thhe ocean its called Cargo,, but when it reaches the other shore we put it in a car or truck and becomes a shipment?

To add to the confusion, there's some in the railroad and trucking industries, that call it "cartage", as if they carry the stuff in hand or donkey carts! Let's just call it freight, or take a page from our British friends, and call it a despatch.

Examine the word "post", as in the United States Postal Service. They might as well POST on Websites, or, lean on lamp posts, for all the good they do for some folks, or regions. Every now and then, you will hear about some embezzleling clerk or carrier in the USPS, who steals people's paper checks, and valuable mail-orders--such as expensive panties(??)(Laughs!!; not for us!!)--and tosses the rest in dumpsters.

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Wednesday 7th of November 2012 03:49:50 PM

panty john · Guru

Why is it that if you a package on ship and send it across thhe ocean its called Cargo,, but when it reaches the other shore we put it in a car or truck and becomes a shipment?

pusspuss · Guru

"A group of friends on a cross-country road trip took a tour of their favorite brewery. As they marveled at the process, one of them slipped and fell into a huge vat of beer. While his friends waited outside, brewery workers tried to save him.

A half hour later, a supervisor came out and told the guys that their friend had drowned.

'Do you think he suffered much?' one asked.

'I don't think so,' the supervisor replied. 'before he drowned, he climbed out three times to go to the bathroom.'"

-- Edited by pusspuss on Wednesday 7th of November 2012 09:39:31 PM

pusspuss · Guru

panty john wrote:
Why is it that if you a package on ship and send it across thhe ocean its called Cargo,, but when it reaches the other shore we put it in a car or truck and becomes a shipment?

Because the car or truck then drives on a parkway and parks in a driveway.

pusspuss · Guru

Breeziestroke wrote:
panty john wrote:
Why is it that if you a package on ship and send it across thhe ocean its called Cargo,, but when it reaches the other shore we put it in a car or truck and becomes a shipment?
To add to the confusion, there's some in the railroad and trucking industries, that call it "cartage", as if they carry the stuff in hand or donkey carts! Let's just call it freight, or take a page from our British friends, and call it a despatch.
Examine the word "post", as in the United States Postal Service. They might as well POST on Websites, or, lean on lamp posts, for all the good they do for some folks, or regions. Every now and then, you will hear about some embezzleling clerk or carrier in the USPS, who steals people's paper checks, and valuable mail-orders--such as expensive panties(??)(Laughs!!; not for us!!)--and tosses the rest in dumpsters.

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Wednesday 7th of November 2012 03:49:50 PM

I wonder if the word 'postal' refers to the pony express?

panty john · Guru

Why do drive on parkway, but park on drive way?

Breeziestroke · Guru

panty john wrote:
Why do drive on parkway, but park on drive way?

Because, my friends, in the city of Sham Phreakpsycho, even if you've parked in your own driveway, within 2 Yards of a sidewalk for even 5 Minutes or less, just to unload groceries or luggage, those nitwit cops will ticket you--not a parking ticket, but, a traffic ticket!! Then, your insurance premiums go up, and you get a black mark on your DMV record! And if, for example, you have to take an important phone call inside your home, the cop will call in a tow truck, and you have to let them tow away your car!

pusspuss · Guru

From Karen Ann Bland

"Did you hear about the woman who married four times?

Her first husband was a millionaire.

Her second husband was an actor.

The next was a minister.

And the last was an undertaker.

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."

panty john · Guru

Did you know that if put your ear uup against a stanger's ear, you can hear them say "what the F**k are you doing?"

Breeziestroke · Guru

panty john wrote:
Did you know that if put your ear uup against a stanger's ear, you can hear them say "what the F**k are you doing?"

I think that I'll stick with listening to sea shells!!

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Friday 9th of November 2012 07:55:51 PM

pusspuss · Guru

LEAVING TOWN

To help save the economy, the Government will announce
next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting
seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security
and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember
how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you.
Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap ...
I'll see you on the bus!

pusspuss · Guru

The other day a friend of mine told me I should go on the stage. He then told me there was one leaving in five minutes.

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
The other day a friend of mine told me I should go on the stage. He then told me there was one leaving in five minutes.

CONTINUING: He also stated that otherwise, I could end up in Boot Hill.

pusspuss · Guru

"An officer of Ancient Rome, called away to the wars, locked his beautiful wife in armor and gave the key to his best friend with the admonition, 'If I don't return in six months, use this key. To you my dear friend I entrust it.'

He then galloped off to the wars. About ten miles fro home, he saw a cloud of dust apporching and waited. His trusted friend, on horseback, galloped up and said, 'You gave me the wrong key.'"

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
"An officer of Ancient Rome, called away to the wars, locked his beautiful wife in armor and gave the key to his best friend with the admonition, 'If I don't return in six months, use this key. To you my dear friend I entrust it.'
He then galloped off to the wars. About ten miles fro home, he saw a cloud of dust apporching and waited. His trusted friend, on horseback, galloped up and said, 'You gave me the wrong key.'"

And then, our wily Centurion tells his "bud", "That's precisely the idea, Lucius! Intel tells me that the Goths are going to be pushovers to tame, this time 'round; so I was just testing you. You try something like this again, and I might become like Flavius, who doesn't give folks a second chance. Go diddle with Septimus' woman; I care not for that man. Now, begone!!"

pusspuss · Guru

"Whist and sex are very much alike because you don't need a good partner if you've got a good hand." biggrin

pusspuss · Guru

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

Puss; this is the best of yours that I've seen in quite some while! He does all 18 holes--not hers(Laughs!!)--does drinks and lunch with his buds at the country club; says goodbye to his buds; and waits for that pert young c-ocktail waitress, at the c-untry club to get off shift, for a late afternoon delight--a definite cutie who's up to "par"!!

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Thursday 6th of December 2012 08:43:14 AM

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Thursday 6th of December 2012 08:44:42 AM

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Thursday 6th of December 2012 08:45:10 AM

pusspuss · Guru

After a long night of making love, the guy

notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,

hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.

'Well, who is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear

'That's me before the surgery.

Clean can be funny.

pusspuss · Guru

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

pusspuss · Guru

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

pusspuss · Guru

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Perhaps you put an "H" at the end of the line of the letters, and the Polish guy gets belligerent, and he's asked to leave, 'cause he thinks he's being cussed out and insulted!!

pusspuss · Guru

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.

get-attachment.aspx?uid=25160360&folder=OldMail&partId=7

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

TOU-CHAYY!! The Sequel of this Joke: Whereupon, she picks up the skillet of hot grease left over from the frying of hash browns, sausage, bacon, or breakfast steak, and tosses it into her hapless husband's face!!

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Tuesday 11th of December 2012 09:17:55 PM

pusspuss · Guru

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

pusspuss · Guru

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James , a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James , a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Well, he's definitely not to be confused with Alvin (Sgt.) York, another mountain man of arguably more repute, almost 100 Years ago.

pusspuss · Guru

"A little boy was so bad at sports that after half a season in Little League, his father traded himm to another team for $10 and a child to be born later." biggrin

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

However, come Good Friday, they'll be extremely hard-pressed, to find the best representative amongst us all, to go up on The Cross, since our very vast number is legion. And, every single "progressive" and athiest will gladly play the roles of Caiaphas, Pilate, Judas, the Pharisees, and assorted Imperial Roman bureaucrats.

Each one of us Good Americans, dies a thousand (Needless??) deaths each day, for the mostly unpardonable sins of the "progressives".

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Friday 14th of December 2012 09:32:57 AM

pusspuss · Guru

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

pusspuss · Guru

"A woman placed an ad offering a new Porsche for $10. a man answered the ad but was skeptical.

'What's the gimmick,' he asked.

'There's no gimmick,' the woman replied.

'My husband just died. and his will stated that he wanted his car sold and the money given to his secretary.'"

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
"A woman placed an ad offering a new Porsche for $10. a man answered the ad but was skeptical.
'What's the gimmick,' he asked.
'There's no gimmick,' the woman replied.
'My husband just died. and his will stated that he wanted his car sold and the money given to his secretary.'"

Rim-Shot!!

pusspuss · Guru

"A priest officiating at a funeral started his remarks by saying, 'We are gathered here today to pay homage to a good man. He was a kind man, a man loved by everyone, a man who treasured his family as they did him.'

The widow of the deceased leaned over to her grandson and whispered, 'Sweetheart, go up and make sure it's your grandpa in that coffin.'"

pusspuss · Guru

Art Linkletter was right!

Last night on a plane back home from Dallas to Tyler, I was sitting with a friend I've known for many years, talking about church and a whole lot of political things. Being a US Congressman, Louie visits a lot of different churches in the area throughout the year and he told me of what happened in a local church on this past Easter that made me roll with laughter, to the point of tears.

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.

He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Tommy Wilson, please tell us what the resurrection is".

Tommy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice won't be!

pusspuss · Guru

A father and youn son are entering the houise. The boy goes running to his mother and says, "What a rotten zoo! Just horses running around in circles!"

pusspuss · Guru

"Kill two birds with one stone this year. Give up your New Year's resolutions for lent."

pusspuss · Guru

"The local TV Station's weather desk recieved a post card: 'I thought you would be interested to konw that I just finished shoveling 3 feet of partly cloudy from my front steps.'"

pusspuss · Guru

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.

pusspuss · Guru

From Jay Leno:

"There's been some talk about making Election Day a national holiday so people have more time to vote. I think people are so sick of this election. How about making the day after Election Day the holiday."

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
From Jay Leno:
"There's been some talk about making Election Day a national holiday so people have more time to vote. I think people are so sick of this election. How about making the day after Election Day the holiday."

I know; make both days National Holidays. Also, incentivize liquor stores to offer 80%-Off Sales for alcohol, with the clerks to advise their customers to consume it at home. People will really need this time to drown their sorrows thoroughly, at home. Heck, it's safer in the main, than Prozac, SSRI's, and other Anti-Psychotic Meds. Then, I'm obviously afraid, LEAS will have to ticket for DUI's, to be prosecuted at 200% over, for all aspects of the Penalty, if folks are then stupid enough to get behind the wheel.

pusspuss · Guru

FOUR GREAT COMEBACK RESPONSES

Number 1:

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

Number 2:

Now We Know Why He Was a General -----

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

NUMBER 3

Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?

"Oh, no ma'am, we don't go there to talk."

NUMBER 4

Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.

Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Site: ( ... total silence)

God bless our troops. There is something about our military that makes other countries listen to reason.

pusspuss · Guru

Lil' Johnny Meets Barack

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your ass it probably wasn't an accident either."

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
Lil' Johnny Meets Barack

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your ass it probably wasn't an accident either."

And with that, poor li'l 5-year-old Johnny is whisked away by the Secret Service, never again to be seen nor heard from, by his classmates, nor his family!

By the way, Puss, on your previous Joke du Jour, Norman Schwartzkopf truly was the last of the red-hot Generals . . . or Admirals (Burke, Halsey, Nimitz, Spruance) . . . as the case may be.

pusspuss · Guru

"A man who had spent several years working in retail joined the police force. A few months later, a friend asked jim how he liked his new job. 'The pay is good and the hours are OK,' he replied, but what I really like is that the customer is always wrong.'"

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
From David Letterman:
"Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed giant cans of soda. When you outlaw stuff, it creates crime.
I saw a guy today walking down the street, and a cop is arresting him because he's got a huge can of soda, and he said,'No, no, this is medicinal Moutain Dew.'"

Puss; we're not talkin' 'bout the clear stuff that comes in Mason jars, that makes you cross-eyed after Three sips, affectionately called "moon", are we(Laughs!!)?!?!

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Friday 4th of January 2013 01:22:12 AM

pusspuss · Guru

"After4 a first date, with both parties splitting the cost of dinner and a movie, the young man was rebuffed at the door by his date. 'Since we've gone Dutch on everything else,' she said, 'you can just kiss yourself goodnight.'"

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
"After4 a first date, with both parties splitting the cost of dinner and a movie, the young man was rebuffed at the door by his date. 'Since we've gone Dutch on everything else,' she said, 'you can just kiss yourself goodnight.'"

Now that's COLD!!!!

pusspuss · Guru

"A sportsman who lived in the city went to a hunting lodge and bagged a record number of birds, aided by a dig named Salesman. The next year, he returned and asked for Salesman.

'That hound ain't no good now,' the handler said with disgust.

'What happened?' the sportsman asked. 'Was he injured?'

'No,' the handler replied. 'Some idiot who had him for a week was so happy with him that he started calling him Sales Manager. Now all he does is sit on his tail and bark.'"

pusspuss · Guru

"A building contractor agreed to let his nephew work for him over the summer. One day they drove to a lumber yard. The contracter sent his nephew in to make the purchase while he waited in the truck.

Reading from his uncle's list, the young man said, 'I need 200 2-by-4s, 120 1-by-8s and 240 2-by-6s.'

The clerk waited a few seconds for for him to continue, then asked, 'How long? How long do you want them?'

The nephew thought for a few seconds before replying, confidently, 'Forever. We're building a house.'"

pusspuss · Guru

"A football coach was trying to help some of his less talented players develop their skills.

'Now liste,' he said to one of them. 'What would you do if it was a fourth down, with three seconds to play?'

After thinking for a minute, the player replied, 'Slide over to the end of the bench so I could see better?'"

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
"At a campaign rally, an embattled politician running for re-election declared, 'Despite what the ethics committee concluded, my conscience is clean.'
'I bet,' came a voice from the audience.
'That's because you've never used it.'"

And, y'know, Puss . . . the curious thing 'bout this game called Politics, someday, I guarrandamntee ya (almost 1,000%), soooner or later, some guys and-or gals on that "ethics" committee, are goin' to be peerin' down the business end, of that selfsame political shotgun!!

What goes around . . . cums around!!

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Sunday 20th of January 2013 11:59:53 PM

pusspuss · Guru

"At a campaign rally, an embattled politician running for re-election declared, 'Despite what the ethics committee concluded, my conscience is clean.'

'I bet,' came a voice from the audience.

'That's because you've never used it.'"

pusspuss · Guru

From Jimmy Fallon:

"Nasa says the Mars rover has made a major discovery. Scientists hope it found signs of life there. Americans are just hoping it found Twinkies."

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
From Jimmy Fallon:
"Nasa says the Mars rover has made a major discovery. Scientists hope it found signs of life there. Americans are just hoping it found Twinkies."

So, that's why we need Two carafes of coffee! Wake up, Breezie!!

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Monday 21st of January 2013 05:27:17 AM

Breeziestroke · Guru

pusspuss wrote:
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

I would think that the Dallas Surgeon would also like Ranchers, Cowboys, and, perhaps Shepherds, 'cause everything's all rounded-up, lassoed, and in place.

-- Edited by Breeziestroke on Tuesday 22nd of January 2013 02:21:22 AM

pusspuss · Guru

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best

patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants

on my operating table because when you open them up, everything

inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try

electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians

are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like

construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have

a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when

he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..

Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

pusspuss · Guru